Why High School Reunions Suck

High school reunions usually suck. The only people who think they don’t suck are people who have never attended one. They are like people that have never fought in a war, who tell you how great and necessary war is.

Though it pains me to admit it, high school reunions are also useful in some ways. I won’t so far as to say necessary, because when I say necessary I think of things like food, water, shelter, a functioning GI system. But let’s be honest: it is pretty fun and interesting to see how everyone turned out.

I didn’t want to go to my high school reunion for several reasons. First, I was going bald. I never thought I would be that middle aged puddwhacker, but my how fate humbles. Second, I’m not all that successful, and well, having not become successful sucks. I don’t think there is any level of success that would make me feel like going to my high school reunion. If I were Bill Gates, or Brad Pitt, or had cured cancer, or started my own concentration camp, I still don’t think I’d be successful enough.

Also, I’m kind of hoping to avoid the first three girls I screwed, when I was as awkward as an elephant on stilts.

And sheesh do I despise kids. They are usually demons. I can deal with European kids, because the concept of discipline still exists there. American kids are a different story. They are like a huge Lord of the Flies. I wish I could take a Taser with me when I eat out, and use it on every misbehaving brat I see. I’m writing this at a library, where two kids are playing Call of Duty on a laptop with the volume all the way up. Did their parents never explain the concept of a library to them? At a high school reunion, a huge part of the conversation is everyone talking about their children. Everyone thinks their kid is “great.” Statistically, less than 1% of children do something great. Which means 99% of parents are wrong.

Also, what type of person organizes a high school reunion? The kind of drip that thinks that reunions are the cat’s ass. A real tool, to put it another way. Someone who would organize a cool reunion never plans one; being cool, they already have better things to do. This is a major reason why most reunions are so completely, totally, ridiculously corny. I would die of shock, if for just once in the history of our species, someone cool would clear their calendar and plan a reunion. They would certainly be smart enough not to make the following common blunders:

Classic music. A couple songs that were the rage in school is acceptable, but in general avoid the urge to play retro music. Avoid retro decorations too. Avoid yearbook pictures on nametags. Avoiding nametags would be even more ideal. High school reunions which work out well also have one paramount ingredient: plenty of cheap alcohol.

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